Enough

Some day are so fun. They literally cannot be described. The joy is beyond words and the rewards are abundant. Some days, the progress in a girl is small but feels like the greatest victory ever and you jump for joy literally and figuratively with them. And some days, some days are tough. Not because the job is hard, or things go wrong exactly, but because some days you just get so...tired. Tired of communication issues. Tired of finding cockroaches, rusty building material when you need them, and most certainly tired of counting receipts  Today, today was a tired day.

It started with three cups of coffee and for some reason, I just couldn't wake up. Never a good sign. You could feel it in the staff today too. Today was a tired day. And a busy one. After so many communication blunders that had to be fixed, only to find those "fixes" really just caused more confusion, and driving all over to find purple couches and orange paint (no Rahab's House isn't as horridly ugly as those two color combinations just made it sound. For the record they will not be in the same room) and loosing both sets of keys to Rahab's House (twice), I was so ready for the day to be over. I had had enough.

Just as I was getting ready to leave, one of the staff who had been struggling said she wanted to talk. I sat listening to her, and praying for patience as she listed all the things I am doing wrong. How frustrating I am because sometimes I speak too fast in English and too slow in Khmer. How the girls sometimes love me and sometimes hate me. She was angry because I asked to help me find the keys when she was trying to fix her phone. And then, just when I thought I couldn't take anymore about how I'm not enough of this and too much of that, she started crying. She began to cry and tell me how she felt like she wasn't enough. She talked about how she was struggling, trying to show girls love, but having a hard time figuring out how Jesus would want her to do that. The balance between being the good guy and the bad guy. By the time she finished talking, I realized, yes she was frustrated with things that I had done, but she was so bummed out and was in need of someone to talk to. God blessed us with such an open and honest conversation about her struggles and mine. About things that we need to work on to show each other love. And at the end, I was emotionally drained. Yes, it had been a good talk. A blessed talk even, but it had been a long day, and I wanted to go home.

I walked out to my moto, and wouldn't you know it, a whole group of kids from Kid's Club had shown up and wanted to play. And you know, that was cute, but I was tired. I tried walking to my moto and they kept stopping me. Tagging and running away, trying to tickle me, climbing on my moto and trying to take away my keys. And just when I was about to start crying, it was like Jesus said, "Look, if you're not here to play with kids and listen to a little crying from staff, why are you here? Now I'm trying to bless you with these kids, so smile and enjoy it." So I did. We played, and laughed and tickled, and although they never did get the keys, they did get to go for a ride on the moto. And I was blessed. Abundantly so.

We have Bible Study every Wednesday night at 9pm for any girl who wants/can join. Tonight it was led by a girl who six months ago had a major attitude issue and four months ago was actually put on probation and was one mess up away from leaving Rahab's House entirely. She led the Bible Study and did a great job. I didn't understand it all, but what I did understand I was so proud of her. When she finished, everyone literally began clapping for her. I was so proud of her. I almost literally started jumping for joy.

She talked about Psalm 5. And it was so perfect, and God knew I needed verses four and seven today. I was missing it. I was not allowing myself to be present for the joy God was bringing into Rahab's House today. I was messing up. And by His grace, I still got to experience it. And as I sit here writing this, knowing I need to be at work at 6:30 to take a schizophrenic man to the clinic tomorrow, I am so blessed to know tired days can be awesome too and that when I've had enough, He IS enough.

"You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil; with you the wicked cannot dwell...But I, by your great mercy will come into your house." -Psalm 5:4&7